Climbing the Corporate Ladder

Given that this blog is supposed to be about how to do stuff, mostly, I reckon it's about time I dished out some advice. What better place to start than making something of your working life?

I'd reckon that a significant percentage of you are working for "the man" and not yourselves. If that's the case, a significant percentage of you probably work in an office or at least, some of your work is done in an office.

Some of you will be at the bottom of the corporate ladder, crawling around for scraps and being treated like an insignificant piece of stomach bile by your "superiors". You'll probably know others who've made it a fair way up the slippery rungs of corporate success by burying their noses well up the sphincters of middle management. They're now Senior Manager or Associate Head of and they make damn sure you know that because it says so in their email signature. They're enjoying the slightly larger salaries but they've brown nosed their way there, so while the view might look appealing, it smells a lot like shit.

But there must be another way to achieve your goals? At least, the goals set for you in a decidedly one way open dialogue with your HR rep?

Hard work? Sure, that would do it. But who can be bothered with that these days.

I will be starting a series of posts designed to improve your standing in the office of today. Heed my advice and you'll end up in charge of your department in no time.

Lesson One - Meetings:

1. Call a meeting and make sure that you invite the director of your department along with managers of other areas, except for your own. That's an important part of this plan.
2. You must first have taken a photograph of your manager's face. Then lured him/her in to a cupboard at which point hold chloroform over their mouths and hey presto, they're out cold. Lock the door. This is crucial, I can't stress it enough.
3. Next, print out (using a colour printer) the photo that you took of their face. Cut out some holes where the eyes are. Tie a piece of string to the paper, this will be used to fasten the "mask" to your face.
4. Attend the meeting and address everyone as if you are your manager. Be sure to mimic their voice as effectively as possible. If you're a chap and your manager is a woman, hold your testicles tightly to achieve the level of falseto required.
5. Announce that you are (your manager is) afraid that couldn't make the meeting but that you have some important news anyway.
6. Repeat the following: "It is with great sadness, that I must insist on leaving and recommend that take my place as manager of ." People will be a bit surprised at this, so spice it up a little. Perhaps..."You see, I have developed a rare and disturbing penchant for stealing office equipment and performing indecent acts with them on people's desks after hours"
7. Stifle your giggling as the looks of confusion give way to disgust and anger. Throw in a clincher or two such as " I am most sorry for having defecated on your keyboard and for having cleaned it with a flask of my dog's urine".
8. Finally, flee the scene making monkey noises.
9. Get rid of the mask, place a jar of dog's urine in your manager's desk (ideally pre-prepared) and enter the meeting room. If you have a hat, wear this to show that you definitely weren't in here before.
10. Ask everyone what the matter is and console your director.
11. He (or she) is bound to offer you the now vacant role.

From experience, I reckon you can probably use this technique up to four times in the same company before somebody suspects something. If somebody questions you, they have volunteered themselves as the next target.

In Richard Branson's autobiography, he may or may not have stated that he used this no fewer than 18 times in the past.

Don't forget to report back and let us know how you get on. Good luck.