Spawn

Today I want to talk to you about children. Not in a way that might see me flagged on an FBI "Red Alert" list, I just want to cover off some thoughts and observations I've made and share some ideas.
If you are easily offended, don't read on, maybe just have a little peek, but don't read it all.

Unnatural

Firstly, lets take a look at the fact that people love to gush about; the beauty of child birth. The glory of bringing a new life in to this world that you have crafted, with your genitals, and will love and nurture.
Well sorry to shatter your wonderful illusion, but it's not natural! It's fucking weird! Think about it people! What you have is two to three minutes of intimacy… followed by the fertilisation of what is effectively an egg inside the woman.
This "egg" gradually becomes a little foetus that feeds THROUGH A TUBE from it's host (you might say mother, I beg to differ) like a parasite. A tube for Christ's sake! I've seen stuff like that before, and it's usually in movies. Movies like Alien! There is a little thing, growing inside of you and feeding off you through a tube for 9 months! How the hell is that natural or beautiful? Amazing, yes. Beautiful, no!

It seems just as natural to me, to imagine that kids are grown like sea monkeys. Buy a little sachet of child powder from K-Mart, pop it in an aquariam, sprinkle some water on it and voila, sea children. No tubes required.

I wont get in to the pain of child birth, I haven't experienced it and probably never will (although who knows where science will take us) but I can appreciate that it probably hurts quite a fucking bit. And thank you mothers, but there's no need to explain what happens to your "control" in the weeks or months afterwards during polite dinner conversation.


Aren't your kids wonderful

It seems assumed by parents the globe over, that just because you have created a life that is now three years old and has the energy output of a small nuclear reactor, everyone else will think it wonderful too. Look at little Tarquin running up and down the aisles of the aeroplane, making car sounds as he goes, crashing in to your legs and dribbling on your shoes. How delightful, how clever. Fuck off! I can run up and down aisles too if I want, but I choose not to because it's annoying to everyone else.
I hate watching beaming parents, adoringly encouraging their offspring to be bloody nuisances and assuming that everyone else will be equally impressed and delighted. Well we're not! We want to watch the latest Dan Brown movie adaptation and drink our free alcohol in peace thank you.
Then, finally, after 300 circuits of the forward section of the plane, Tarquin geso back to mummy and cries for the next three hours. How wonderful.


Miniature Army

There are too many people in the world, we all know this, and yet the population keeps growing and growing. So why not adopt? But don't be silly about it, you don't want to be adopting somebody that isn't potty trained yet, or hasn't had all their jabs. Why not adopt a 28 year old qualified neuro-surgeon? You could be so proud when you talk about your little Alex at dinner parties. "Oh yes, my Alex saved a young girl the other day in a fifteen hour operation" that's something to gush about!

But why stop there? Why not adopt a whole gang of successful doctors? You'd be rich! Failing that, adopt thirty youths and train them as pick pockets, doing your bidding while you sit at home eating crisps and drinking beer. A bit like a modern day Fagin. Beautiful.