Autumnal Blues

As you might have noticed, assuming that you're living in the northern part of the Northern Hemisphere, it's Autumn. If you're in the southern hemisphere, it's Spring. Lucky you. If you're in the Caribbean or some other tropical island, well, you can fuck off.

There are lots of ways to tell that it's Autumn if the calendar isn't sufficient enough evidence for you.
The leaves on the trees are changing colour and soon they will start falling off, creating a hazard to pedestrians by concealing otherwise obvious lumps of dog faeces.
The nights are getting slightly longer and colder and you're thinking about folding away your shorts and t-shirts for another 9 months.
People that might otherwise have given you an understanding smile as you accidentally cut them off at the supermarket check out , are now verbally abusing you or punching you in the face. Probably both.

Or, discounting any of the perfectly good indicators above, Autumn is associated with a fresh batch of television programmes.
Presumably everyone involved in marketing television programmes know that you're going to be spending the next three quarters of the year sitting glumly on the couch in front of the TV awaiting whatever entertainment it can broadcast your way. You're like a hungry orphan awaiting your next bowl of gruel and TV is like the cruel Mr Bumble.

And therein lies the problem. There isn't anything fresh or tasty on television, but you're dependent on it. Everything that professes to be new, isn't. It's all the same old re-hash of marginally successful reality TV shows from the late 90s. And yet you sit there greedily lapping it up, asking for more. MORE?

So, in the spirit of cooperation and as a parting summery gift, I hereby offer the following ideas for television shows to any network that will take them.
And I encourage you to add any ideas of your own as a defiant up yours to winter and those in charge of programming wherever you are in the world.


Never Mind the Buzzsaws:
Simon Amstell returns as the host of the always hilarious Never Mind the Buzzcocks. The show is virtually unchanged from the previous 23 seasons. Personalities and figureheads of the music industry must answer musically themed questions while dodging the razor wit and cutting comments of the host.
However in season 24 they must also evade the razor sharp buzzsaws wielded by dalek like robots that bounce from one end of the studio to the other, spinning metallic discs of death to the fore.



Dancing With the Cars:
Dancing with the Stars but with an added edge. Giggle in excitement while you watch your favourite C to D grade celebrities, retired sports people and obscure politicians attempt to cross the busiest motorways of the world while performing classic dance routines. Delight in witnessing Rodney Hide perform an audacious foxtrot while struggling to traverse the width of the M25, avoiding juggernauts and speeding taxis with pirouettes and twirls and a healthy dose of fear.

Comic Hand Relief:
The title gives away the general gist of this one. Rather than having members of the public donate millions of pounds to worthy causes with only a few over scripted comic routines as reward, 2010 promises a more "interactive" experience. Highlights would include theMatch of the Day panel dispatched for donations of over £1200. Lucky members of the public would be able to gaze in to the eyes and perfect smile of Gary Linekar while Mark Lawrenson jerks….okay no. This one wont work.


The Fire:
In many ways, this series would be identical to HBO's critically acclaimed drama; "The Wire".
The series follows the ups and downs of the Baltimore Police Department in their daily crusade against crime, corruption and beuraucratic red tape. However, instead of setting up subtle wire taps to eavesdrop on the phone conversations on of drug gangs, they set them on fire instead.


Whose Line is it Anyway:
Okay so the title hasn't changed on this one, but the content has to an extent. Contestants must start each segment with a line of coke, with the winner of each round given a bonus hit of heroin. This provides added reward to the viewer when inevitably Colin Mockery performs an impression of a dinosaur, but ends up launching himself in to the audience trying to bite women while Clive Anderson sits at his desk helplessly rocking back and forth dribbling.
Fox, BBC, TVNZ, ITV? Anyone keen?

LOL

"Lol"

You know it. I know it. It's been around since the internet was a toddler. Presumably, it was invented to save people time, people that were too busy canvassing 13 year olds on chatrooms to indicate that they found something funny without writing "that was funny" or even "ha ha ha".
But, it's usage seems to have evolved, or devolved, to the point that it makes 90% of people that use it seem properly retarded.

Take these examples of facebook status updates and comments:

"Can anyone give me a lift tonight? lol"

"…Is back at work today lol"

I sure as fuck wouldn't let somebody get in to my car that's just laughed maniacally after requesting a lift. Why are you laughing? Do you want a lift or are you going to kill me?

Laughing out loud suggests something hilarious just happened. How often do you actually find something funny enough that it makes you physically laugh? Not smile, or giggle, or even guffaw, but actually laugh! Come on! Think about what you've written, and then apply it to the situation that you're writing about and see if it makes sense!

Did you really turn up at the office and burst in to hysterical laughter at the mere fact that you were sitting at your desk? Why? What the hell is funny about being at work? Are you a dentist, did you leave the nitrous oxide on? Probably fucking not!

Maybe if there were an equivalent "lol" for crying. "Sp" or "sobbing pathetically" might be more appropriate.

"Dylan Parish just turned up to work on a Monday morning with 1000 emails that need replying to - sp."

"Martyn is watching the tennis naked with a dressing gown belt tied around his neck - sp"

Some people use "LOL" to flirt. Why? Try that in a club or a supermarket.
Walk up to a good looking girl at the bar and say "Hi" and then laugh for three minutes. Loud laughter, in her face. See where that gets you. If she's still interested then run, because she's probably more mental than you are.

If you're writing "lol" then you'd better actually be laughing or you're just a liar! LOL.

Massive

We live on a fraction of a small planet called the Earth. Earth, is a small and relatively insignificant planet in our Solar System. The sun, our star, is a relatively insignificant star in our galaxy. In our relatively insignificant galaxy alone, there are at least 200 Billion stars. In the observable universe, there are at least 100 billion galaxies.

Our galaxy seems to be average in size, so we can assume that there are probably at least 2,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 stars in our observable universe. I don't know what that number is, but it's a lot and it takes a long time to write.

We know that planets are very common, so we can assume that for all of the stars, there are likely to be a number of planets.
Even if we said, on average, that there is only one planet per star, that's a of a lot of planets.
If we said conservatively, that only 1% of those planets is capable of fostering life, that would be a fuck of a lot of planets.
If we said that only a miniscule percentage of those planets had evolved life, that's still an incomprehensibly large number of planets in the universe that have at some point evolved life to a comparable level as life on Earth. Billions. There are probably billions of other "intelligent"species in our universe, pondering their existence as you read this. Looking for ways to further themselves and expand their knowledge.

We are insignificant as far as the universe is concerned, like a mere fraction of a piece of dandruff in an enormous ocean.

Armed with this knowledge, with this scale of our insignificance, what do we concern ourselves with? What else could capture our imagination, provide a suitable outlet for our energy and intellect?
Lets have a look shall we? http://www.stuff.co.nz/entertainment/celebrities/3241227/Anna-Paquins-love-life-No-comment

Well that's sorted then.