Autumnal Blues

As you might have noticed, assuming that you're living in the northern part of the Northern Hemisphere, it's Autumn. If you're in the southern hemisphere, it's Spring. Lucky you. If you're in the Caribbean or some other tropical island, well, you can fuck off.

There are lots of ways to tell that it's Autumn if the calendar isn't sufficient enough evidence for you.
The leaves on the trees are changing colour and soon they will start falling off, creating a hazard to pedestrians by concealing otherwise obvious lumps of dog faeces.
The nights are getting slightly longer and colder and you're thinking about folding away your shorts and t-shirts for another 9 months.
People that might otherwise have given you an understanding smile as you accidentally cut them off at the supermarket check out , are now verbally abusing you or punching you in the face. Probably both.

Or, discounting any of the perfectly good indicators above, Autumn is associated with a fresh batch of television programmes.
Presumably everyone involved in marketing television programmes know that you're going to be spending the next three quarters of the year sitting glumly on the couch in front of the TV awaiting whatever entertainment it can broadcast your way. You're like a hungry orphan awaiting your next bowl of gruel and TV is like the cruel Mr Bumble.

And therein lies the problem. There isn't anything fresh or tasty on television, but you're dependent on it. Everything that professes to be new, isn't. It's all the same old re-hash of marginally successful reality TV shows from the late 90s. And yet you sit there greedily lapping it up, asking for more. MORE?

So, in the spirit of cooperation and as a parting summery gift, I hereby offer the following ideas for television shows to any network that will take them.
And I encourage you to add any ideas of your own as a defiant up yours to winter and those in charge of programming wherever you are in the world.


Never Mind the Buzzsaws:
Simon Amstell returns as the host of the always hilarious Never Mind the Buzzcocks. The show is virtually unchanged from the previous 23 seasons. Personalities and figureheads of the music industry must answer musically themed questions while dodging the razor wit and cutting comments of the host.
However in season 24 they must also evade the razor sharp buzzsaws wielded by dalek like robots that bounce from one end of the studio to the other, spinning metallic discs of death to the fore.



Dancing With the Cars:
Dancing with the Stars but with an added edge. Giggle in excitement while you watch your favourite C to D grade celebrities, retired sports people and obscure politicians attempt to cross the busiest motorways of the world while performing classic dance routines. Delight in witnessing Rodney Hide perform an audacious foxtrot while struggling to traverse the width of the M25, avoiding juggernauts and speeding taxis with pirouettes and twirls and a healthy dose of fear.

Comic Hand Relief:
The title gives away the general gist of this one. Rather than having members of the public donate millions of pounds to worthy causes with only a few over scripted comic routines as reward, 2010 promises a more "interactive" experience. Highlights would include theMatch of the Day panel dispatched for donations of over £1200. Lucky members of the public would be able to gaze in to the eyes and perfect smile of Gary Linekar while Mark Lawrenson jerks….okay no. This one wont work.


The Fire:
In many ways, this series would be identical to HBO's critically acclaimed drama; "The Wire".
The series follows the ups and downs of the Baltimore Police Department in their daily crusade against crime, corruption and beuraucratic red tape. However, instead of setting up subtle wire taps to eavesdrop on the phone conversations on of drug gangs, they set them on fire instead.


Whose Line is it Anyway:
Okay so the title hasn't changed on this one, but the content has to an extent. Contestants must start each segment with a line of coke, with the winner of each round given a bonus hit of heroin. This provides added reward to the viewer when inevitably Colin Mockery performs an impression of a dinosaur, but ends up launching himself in to the audience trying to bite women while Clive Anderson sits at his desk helplessly rocking back and forth dribbling.
Fox, BBC, TVNZ, ITV? Anyone keen?