Fast Train to Stardom

Another night, another reality TV show, another glorified talent quest, another metaphorical bucket of shit being flung callously in to our eyes and ears by cruel and heartless television programmers.
But instead of recoiling in disgust, having a shower and embarking on a new venture of creativity, we lap it up enthusiastically like a starving dog until all of our senses have been overwhelmed and filled with Simon Cowell's tedious and repetitive criticism (metaphorical faeces).

Shows like X-Factor, American Idol, Big Brother and Britain's got Talent seem to serve two purposes:
1) They provide an opportunity for people of some (dubious) talent to skip the usual paths to success, such as hard work and application, and get immediate public and tabloid attention.
2) They provide conversation fodder for people who would otherwise cast awkward gazes at each other and the floor while filling their bottles at the office water cooler.

Most of these shows are glorified talent contests where contestants effectively sing karaoke and then cry.
"This has always been my dream" they splutter in between sobs "I need this more than anything".
Well fuck off and work at it then you sad bastard, don't enter a television contest and start crying because 100 members of the public preferred Shantelle's rendition of Whitney Houston.
You're in no worse a position than you were 2 weeks ago when you were 2nd in charge of screwing tooth paste caps on to new tubes at the Colgate factory.
If singing really is "your life" then start a band, write some songs, concentrate on getting gigs and one day a record deal. Don't rely on a talent contest and 9 days of "hard work" to be the only way of reaching your goal you lazy, self centred shit!

I work as a business analyst. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking either;
"business analyst, you're obviously just jealous because your job is so boring" or
"I don't know what a business analyst is but it sounds boring, you're obviously jealous."

Touché. However it doesn't detract from my point.

I don't expect to become a rich and famous business analyst by going on TV and competing in Business Analyst Idol.
If I wanted to become rich and famous, I'd have to work at it. For many years. Not that there are any famous business analysts to aspire to, but you get the point.

In related news, the recent boy in the balloon case seems to have been an orchestrated attempt to garner publicity for a new reality TV show. Job done it would seem… http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20091019/ap_on_re_us/us_balloon_boy

This leads me to ponder what, if any, limits there are to this burgeoning genre. What lengths will people go to in order to be heard, seen or noticed? Beyond writing a self indulgent blog anyway (I know I'm a hypocrite)

How about:

Britain's got Nuero Surgeons:

Simon Cowell passes judgment on would be neuro surgeons as they perform delicate brain surgery in front of an audience of thousands. Watch in delight as David overcomes his nerves and troubled background to successfully perform a frontal lobe lobotomy. Witness the highs and lows of Carmen as she is voted off, having tragically killed her patient when she forgot the importance of a steady hand. Back to the call centre with you Carmen, dreams in tatters.

American President Factor:

David Hasselhoff and Sharon Osbourne judge the quality of would be presidents as they are handed the reins of power for a fortnight. Laugh as Rajender accidentally sets of a nuclear arms race following a mispronunciation of the words Russian Bankers.
Or angrily vote Jessica out for attempting to reform healthcare after a night out on the beers and a terrible hangover.

There must be more. Please add your comments.
Note that any ideas deemed worthy may be forwarded to Fox or ITV for which I will claim full credit and royalties.