Your first lesson on surviving a zombie outbreak

Zombies have undergone a resurgence in popular culture, manifested in a spate of recent Hollywood releases, B grade horror flicks and the increasingly bizarre ability of Liz Taylor to seemingly remain "alive".
However, there doesn't seem to be a uniform portrayal of what a zombie is and this has caused confusion among the general public. Potentially fatal confusion. Having a better understanding of what they are could save your life.


What is a zombie?

In a nutshell, a zombie is a recently deceased corpse that has started to walk again. It is intent on feasting on living human flesh, determined, but with the social awkwardness of somebody with Aspergers.

Films such as 28 Days Later and the of Dawn of the Dead remake seek to portray zombies as angry Olympic sprinters, able to run and run and run in their endless pursuit of fresh meat. I don't know about you, but if I've been dead for a few days I'm probably not going to be feeling in tip top physical condition and I'm unlikely to be able to muster up anything more than a gentle amble, let alone a jog.

My guess is that the effects of being reanimated on your ability to move would be akin to those that you feel with a particularly severe hangover. Shuffling about and moaning a lot, occasionally stopping to eat something if it's available.

Key Lesson Number 1 - Zombies shuffle about listlessly, moaning and searching for food. Only, unlike a hangover sufferer that craves a cooked breakfast and coffee, zombies yearn for a feast of human blood and organs. Not too dissimilar to people that enjoy black pudding I suppose. But best not shoot them in the head just yet, at least until you've read the next couple of sections.



Why are there zombies?

There are many theories here, but most of them are wrong. Something has to be the catalyst for the zombie apocalypse, it has to start somewhere. We know a lot about how their numbers grow but not so much about how the first one is "created". Scientists have not been puzzling over this question for years. But I have!

The most likely cause of a zombie apocalypse is a virus that attaches itself to the largely intact, but nevertheless expired, nervous system of a human corpse. How did this virus come to be? Who cares.

Anyway, all you need is for one of these viruses to find itself a human host. Once this is done, it is mobile. It controls the basic human nervous system and brain functions.
The virus' reason for existence is the same as ours. It needs to replicate itself. To do this, it uses its host to try and eat/bite other humans. The virus is passed on through the saliva of it's host (the zombie) in to the bloodstream of its victim.
Within hours, the victim (your colleague perhaps) has died from the virus and become re-animated, ready to chow down on its nearest living colleagues and condemned to an existence of wandering the earth in search of its next meal.
I like to imagine sometimes that some of my bosses will be the first to succumb to this.

Anyway, an important thing to consider here is that a largely intact nervous system is required. And once it is infected, only the most basic of functions are re-awakened. Sadly you wont be able to dig up Beethoven, infect him and watch as he finishes his last symphony before shooting him and claiming it as your own.
1) he's been dead too long.
2) if you could infect him he'd just want to eat your brain.

Key Lesson Number 2 - Zombies will try and bite you. Don't let them, even if they're attractive. If you do, you will die and then become one of them.


How do I stop them, can I keep one?

Important questions and easy enough to answer. To stop a zombie, you must destroy it's brain/nervous system. A well aimed bullet to the head usually takes care of this. If you don't have access to bullets, something sharp might do but you probably don't want to be getting too close to it.
My suggestion might seem a little sadistic, but how about a car? So long as the windscreen wipers are functional, and providing it's not a mini, you'll keep clean and you can listen to Van Halen at the same time, or if you're that way inclined, The Carpenters.

Remember, zombies aren't really human as such. They can't do anything beyond move and eat people. They're no more human than Prince Philip. So you shouldn't get attached to them.

Yes, I know. It looks like Granddad. But it's not Granddad. I know he used to shuffle about a bit and moan a lot, but since when did Granddad want to eat your brains? Don't try and befriend him or reason with him. If you do, you too will end up condemned to roam about pointlessly, feeding when you can and writing angry letters to the editor about kids and music.

Key Lesson Number 3 - Zombies are not people. Destroy their brain, don't start a relationship with one. If you're face to face with the zombie version of Megan Fox, she's been dead for at least a few days. Not only would you be in breach of several laws and a number of moral standards, you'll more than likely end up infected within minutes.


In the next instalment, we'll look at preparing yourself for the zombie apocalypse. You'll thank me one day!